Starting again!

   It has been a long time since I have written anything. Being an artist & being with your family can make you not want to work on extra things. I am not complaining about not having worked on my blogs, but with Spring peaking about the corner, I have wanted to dive back into working on my projects. I am hoping to compile my photos from last year and start the process all over again this year. Here's to reaching that goal! So, if anyone would like to get with me about their breastfeeding experience, I would love to hear from you.

My first year with this project.

   So, this spring I had a woman tell me that I should do what I am passionate about. She told me this after I came to tears about my story with breastfeeding both of my sons. Over the last *a-hem* 6 mos that I haven't posted anything, I have been trying to work with women to set up times, but life would happen on both our parts & I didn't get too many subjects, but I kept trying. I kept talking about the project, kept encouraging the mothers I talked to that were still breastfeeding & helped mothers who needed help. Since this summer, I have been taking care of my family & with any mother who has little ones knows, life can get the best of you & sometimes you need to focus on that & put other things aside. When I wasn't taking actual photos, I have been brainstorming how to put this together for the end of the year. Every time I thought about just writing anything for the blog, I would find myself discouraged about not having photographed anything new & not write at all. After having a talk with my husband within the last the few weeks & a good nudge from a mother I admire in her own work & empowerment, I finally started writing again, especially since it looks like she may have made me busy for the end of the year with her awesome tag about my needing mothers & their stories. Thank you, Juliea.

Whoopi & Time

   There has been a lot of crazy media things going on about breastfeeding. First, the disappointing reaction from "The View". Why can't mothers be mothers? I think that sometimes people lash out from personal experience & don't make logical statements. A breastfeeding coalition doesn't mean that the people will force you to do anything, but try to tell you what the best start for your baby is & help you. If you feel bad for not breastfeeding, then I feel it is a guilt thing. If you truly wanted not to breast feed, then it shouldn't have bothered you what anyone said & just stay confident in your choice. However, if you were sick, & the doctor told you what was best for you, wouldn't you want to do it? That's what doctors, nurses & breastfeeding families are trying to do, give the best they can for their babies. There are a lot of medicines & medical advice that changes over the years. That's why people do research to make sure things are still safe & what the affects are.

   I also understand that there are some medical reasons why families can't breastfeed & that's the real reason why formula was made. The Western world looked down upon wet-nurses & milk sharing. These new "radical" things aren't new, they are old practices that are coming back for nurturing parenting. So please, don't knock a mom for breastfeeding past when you think is a long enough time. She's not being selfish, she's not doing it just for her. Both parties benefit from it. She also thinks that your crazy for not doing what she did.

   Second disappointing thing is all the hoopla about the Time magazine cover. Yes, I thought it a bit extreme, but I also found myself jealous that our 21mo old son is no longer nursing. This cover wouldn't be so shocking if breast feeding wasn't viewed so extreme anyways, not to mention thought of as exotic or even primitive past age 2! This woman shouldn't be made to feel bad about doing something she is passionate about! She is lucky to be able to do this! Some women can't breastfeed & wish they could. Don't take the pride away from those of us who did/can!

Feeling confident.

   Feeling confident on all levels really helps with life. It wasn't even 2 monthsago that we stopped nursing. I spent 2 weeks trying to keep my wits about me. Then depression started to set in. One night I broke down crying & my husband had to spend the rest of the night comforting me. Two weeks after that I started to feel better. Seeing how much better we(the baby & I) were both sleeping made me feel better. My milk wasn't really there anymore & Leland wasn't occasionally asking for it. The last 2 weeks have been better. Leland asked for boobie the other day while he was tired & sad. I told him mommy didn't have any & he snuggled into me. No crying, no tantrum. Just love.

  Usually, when I tell him no, he would get a little upset, but then run off. He would ask once or twice a week, so I didn't get too discouraged by it, but I always felt sad about it. I wondered what was different this time & realized that it was because I was confident in my response to him because I knew I didn't have any milk, so telling him didn't make me feel like I was with holding anything from him. The guilty sounding no must've been different from the confident no & he was more accepting of that. Whenever we are in public & I want our children to listen, the confident tone always seems to work better than a mad tone, so it made sense. I am feeling better now about having stopped nursing & am having much more fun playing with our boys.

Mood swings.

It's been 2 weeks or so since we have stopped nursing. I miss it, but he is actually sleeping through the night. When he does wake up, he just crawls into bed with us, so I am finally getting more sleep. I had no idea that I would be this moody. I have had bouts of depression before, they are mostly stress induced, but I had no idea that I would get an episode from this. It's weird, usually when I am depressed, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I don't mind the idea of going out, in fact I look forward to it. It almost seems like since I am depressed about not breastfeeding anymore, that I want a break from being around him, almost as though having him around is a reminder of what is making me depressed.
   Don't get me wrong, I love him. Earlier this week he & our older son stayed the night at my mother's house & I missed him. I couldn't wait to see him the next day. It's just this depression has me in mood swings. I also am not used to dealing with it this time of year. With Spring ahead, I usually shake off the seasonal depression by now. I didn't realize how much bonding was actually going on until we stopped nursing. We still bond. He crawls into my lap, says, "Wuv you" & has me craddle him. I guess I became more attached & wasn't as prepared this time around for the weaning b/c I didn't have another baby to nurse to fall back on like I did with our other son.

That Empty Feeling

I tried to post this yesterday, but couldn't finish it. I am now posting it today. All this happened day before yesterday.

   It has been 5 days since our youngest, Leland, has asked for boobie. I have been preparing myself for the last month for this, but last night I broke down. It just hit me out of no where that we were done nursing. Now, this is our second child. I knew what to expect when the weaning started, but this child is different. Once the milk wasn't as plentiful & he decided to nurse more one day, he would throw fits, scream at me & walk away. I would let him nurse more to increase the supply, but he didn't nurse extra to do so.
   Now, here's some back story. Our first son was born 8 wks early. Had to pump for 4 mos before nursing. Because he was used to the bottle, the transition to breast was hard. When we finally did, it was the best feeling ever. He nursed for 21 & a half months & weaned himself. He was always happy & when my breast was empty, he would just stop & either hug me, laugh or smile & go play. We stopped nursing on good terms & other than realizing he didn't need me anymore, I had no regrets. It ended the way I hoped it would & was looking forward to nursing our second child.
   With Leland, he started nursing from birth with no problem. Would sleep 3-4 hrs a night & nurse often during the day. After a week, he became colicky, nursed around the clock & I lived off of 4 hrs a sleep a night for over a year. I tried everything to be there for him & be anything he needed, but it was never enough. Sure, I loved him, but he never seemed to look at me like he was truly bonding with me & I had no clue what I was doing wrong. He cut his teeth really late & cut them slow. I felt so bad that he was going through something that I had no control over.
   Back on topic, I am writing this because I am conflicted with how our nursing ended. It was 5 days ago at 4:30am. He crawled into bed & asked for "boobie". I had no problem giving it to him, but I had no idea that it was going to be the last time. I put my arm around him & dozed off. I didn't watch him or play with his hair like I sometimes did. He had nursed the last few days, so nothing really seemed to make me believe that he was going to end that morning. After a few minutes, he whimpered that I  was empty, rolled over & fell asleep. I went back to sleep as well. As each day passed & he wasn't asking for me, I slowly started to realize that he might be done. That's the worst part about weaning, you never know when the last day is. It isn't until the next day that you see that the day before was the last day. I cried last night because I wanted it to end differently, I wanted it to be like how it ended with our first. However, both of our boys are different, in every way. Over the last month, he whimpered when there wasn't enough milk & I always felt bad. However, we seem to get more sleep & he actually cuddles more with me. My husband was a big help the whole way through & was there for me last night. He reminded me that I made my goal of nursing for at least 18mos, (He stopped at 19 & a half). That I gave something to him that was very special & was the best thing for him & he was proud of me.
   So no matter how it ends, there are still a lot of up sides that we are thankful for. I guess as a mother I just wanted him to be happy & I expected it to go one way when he decided to go another. I just have this empty feeling from seeing that he is happy without having to nurse after he made it difficult & left me feeling bad for a couple of months. He seems to have moved on fine without me, but now I miss him. Watching him play & being happy will have to do, lol.

A different World

   When I learned I was going to become a mother, I was excited. My husband & I started calling people at 2:30 int he morning to spread the news, others, later in the morning. We had a miscarriage at almost 6 wks along & we were crushed. Since I didn't have to have a D&C, the doctor said that once my cycle returned, we could try again. I didn't start again until almost 6 mos later. I was so scared that there was something wrong with me, but after a few months, (almost a yr from the first time we were pregnant), we were expecting again.
   We were happy, scared & I wanted to do everything right. Everything seemed to be going well until I was 27 weeks. I had developed Bell's Palsy & a few days later, at 28 weeks, I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia. I was on bed rest for 4 and a half weeks & ended up having an emergency c/s at 32w2d to a beautiful boy. The doctors were amazed that I was awake for the birth, by blood pressure was 220/160! Our son remained in the the NICU for 5 and a half weeks. All I could think about was what I could do for this tiny baby. He was so helpless in that plastic box. I could go on in detail about those weeks, but here is my point. I wanted to breastfeed. I knew I wanted to before he was born & I was scared as to what was going to happen since he couldn't even eat. I pumped. I ended up having to pump for 4 mos before we could exclusively breastfeed.
   In the months that followed he gained weight easier, seemed happier & we were overjoyed. By late summer, we were able to go outdoors & I always brought some pumped milk with. I didn't have a cover & since he was still having some trouble with latching, the bottle was easier. I would have people ask me,"I thought you were breastfeeding?" I would have to explain that it wasn't formula in the bottle, that it was breast milk & sometimes strangers would say that they wished more breastfeeding mothers would do that! I am not opposed to women who use bottles, but I hated having to clean them. I loved the natural convenience of latching, waiting until he was done & covering up! There was no waste of milk & I didn't have to clean out my pump!
   I was lucky enough to have a husband that was very supportive. He always encouraged my decision to BF & it really was more like our decision. His mother breastfed 6 kids until they were 2yo. One of them until 3yo. I realize that this probably sounds more pro-boob, & I will admit, I kind of am, but I also know that there are just as many women who bottle feed that get judged as breast feeding women do. Here's the thing, we don't know each other's story. Can't we be pro-mom? Remember back at the beginning when I miscarried? What if I found out I had cancer? What if I had breast cancer? Now I can't breastfeed. How do you think that would make me feel if some extremist for BF came at me & I had to defend myself by re-living my story. I understand that cancer is a bit of a jump from a m/c, but it happens.
   I just want people to be more educated in their decisions & we should be a support system for one another.  Next time you see a woman BF'ing, don't judge her, you have no idea what she may have gone threw to have that privilege.