That Empty Feeling

I tried to post this yesterday, but couldn't finish it. I am now posting it today. All this happened day before yesterday.

   It has been 5 days since our youngest, Leland, has asked for boobie. I have been preparing myself for the last month for this, but last night I broke down. It just hit me out of no where that we were done nursing. Now, this is our second child. I knew what to expect when the weaning started, but this child is different. Once the milk wasn't as plentiful & he decided to nurse more one day, he would throw fits, scream at me & walk away. I would let him nurse more to increase the supply, but he didn't nurse extra to do so.
   Now, here's some back story. Our first son was born 8 wks early. Had to pump for 4 mos before nursing. Because he was used to the bottle, the transition to breast was hard. When we finally did, it was the best feeling ever. He nursed for 21 & a half months & weaned himself. He was always happy & when my breast was empty, he would just stop & either hug me, laugh or smile & go play. We stopped nursing on good terms & other than realizing he didn't need me anymore, I had no regrets. It ended the way I hoped it would & was looking forward to nursing our second child.
   With Leland, he started nursing from birth with no problem. Would sleep 3-4 hrs a night & nurse often during the day. After a week, he became colicky, nursed around the clock & I lived off of 4 hrs a sleep a night for over a year. I tried everything to be there for him & be anything he needed, but it was never enough. Sure, I loved him, but he never seemed to look at me like he was truly bonding with me & I had no clue what I was doing wrong. He cut his teeth really late & cut them slow. I felt so bad that he was going through something that I had no control over.
   Back on topic, I am writing this because I am conflicted with how our nursing ended. It was 5 days ago at 4:30am. He crawled into bed & asked for "boobie". I had no problem giving it to him, but I had no idea that it was going to be the last time. I put my arm around him & dozed off. I didn't watch him or play with his hair like I sometimes did. He had nursed the last few days, so nothing really seemed to make me believe that he was going to end that morning. After a few minutes, he whimpered that I  was empty, rolled over & fell asleep. I went back to sleep as well. As each day passed & he wasn't asking for me, I slowly started to realize that he might be done. That's the worst part about weaning, you never know when the last day is. It isn't until the next day that you see that the day before was the last day. I cried last night because I wanted it to end differently, I wanted it to be like how it ended with our first. However, both of our boys are different, in every way. Over the last month, he whimpered when there wasn't enough milk & I always felt bad. However, we seem to get more sleep & he actually cuddles more with me. My husband was a big help the whole way through & was there for me last night. He reminded me that I made my goal of nursing for at least 18mos, (He stopped at 19 & a half). That I gave something to him that was very special & was the best thing for him & he was proud of me.
   So no matter how it ends, there are still a lot of up sides that we are thankful for. I guess as a mother I just wanted him to be happy & I expected it to go one way when he decided to go another. I just have this empty feeling from seeing that he is happy without having to nurse after he made it difficult & left me feeling bad for a couple of months. He seems to have moved on fine without me, but now I miss him. Watching him play & being happy will have to do, lol.